Shadow work

Yesterday, I was very sad all day long. I couldn't understand why. So much sadness that I sat on the concrete on my lunch and cried . I've been on this path long enough to know not to question it. Let it move through you. So I accepted it. Embraced it even. I ate my dinner in a cemetery. When I got home later that night, I needed to mow my lawn. Mower wouldn't start. I never have that problem. Feeling defeated, I went inside and sat down. I decided it was going to be a night of self-care rather than house chores. About an hour later, I felt the urge to get my bike down. It was stored in the rafters out in my garage. I managed to get it down on my own, only to find flat tires. That feeling of defeat again. My garage is a shit show. It's one of the areas of my house I haven't been able to get to yet since I got clean. I knew I had a hand held pump somewhere but after looking for a few minutes, I felt like I'd never find it amongst all the junk. I said to the universe "Ok, if I can create my own reality, there should be a pump accessible here." I looked up, and sitting on top of a bin in my garage was a mini air compressor. I have no idea where it came from. I grabbed it, half expecting it not to work (the mood I was in), plugged it in and it fired right up! Pumped up my tires in seconds!

I rode around my neighborhood for awhile and stopped off to watch the sun set. After it set, I continued my ride. Then it dawned on me why I was sad. That morning, I had seen photos of my oldest son and I from several years ago. We always had such a strong, solid bond. In this particular photo, he had his arms around me and his head resting on my shoulder. We both looked so happy. Seventeen months ago, I finally admitted my addiction to my family and friends. It had gotten so bad by that point. I was an emotional wreck, feelings feelings I hadn't allowed myself to feel for 30 years. I had to sign away custody of my kids for a year. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I am beyond grateful for that year. I needed that time to heal. But in doing so, a distance grew between he and I. That year is up now, but he decided to stay living with his dad. A decision I fully support. But I feel immense sadness over not getting to be his mom anymore. Not a hands on mom anyway. I thought I had fully accepted and faced that pain. But it was still stored in my body. When I get home from the bike ride, I sobbed. I accepted the pain and let it move through me. I went to bed shortly after this.

This morning I woke with joy in my heart!!!! I feel like myself again!!!!! My son is 16, he's very much a teen. So I know that our relationship will have a new beginning when he moves toward adult years and it will be so beautiful.

Shadow work. It's fucking painful, but it's SO worth it.

Shine the light on your shadows so they can never haunt you again!

p.s. Shout out to the universe for not allowing the mower to start! Had it started, I don't think I would have settled down enough to have this experience!